Grief is like the ocean

Today is a very emotional and difficult day for me. It marks the fifth year since I lost one of my best friends in a car accident.

We had so many hilarious and special moments together in the short time we knew each other and I was devastated when he was gone.

It took me an incredibly long time to process and come to terms with his death. I carried that wound heavily on my heart for the longest time.

5 years on and it’s my first time being home for his anniversary. I went to visit him. He’s been left beautiful, colourful flowers. I always leave yellow flowers because they remind me of his sunshine smile and bright light.

I surprised myself today.

I’ve felt sad. I’ve felt a little lost. But I’ve also felt at peace.

I realised I’ve come to terms with the loss. I’ve accepted that all the tears and screams and pleading in the world won’t bring him back. But accepting doesn’t mean forgetting. Moving on doesn’t mean leaving behind. It just means I can think of him and not be left breathless by the pain in my chest.

Today is an immeasurably sad day. It’s a day I always dread because it means more time has passed without him. But today I am determined to think on happy memories and laugh at the silly times we had.

I’ll think of the pair of us singing Bon Jovi as we drove around town, I’ll laugh at the memory of him pretending to friends I was a French girl he’d taken home from holiday, and I’ll never forget his huffing and puffing at me for stealing his ice cream after telling him I was full.

I’ll maybe cry a little because the good memories still hurt, but I’ll not let myself be sad for too long. He deserves my happy thoughts and I owe it to him to carry on regardless.

I’ll always carry him with me, he’s a part of me I cherish dearly.

I love you Cal, always.

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